Home, Auto, Life, and Pizza


Domino’s offers pizza insurance. They replace your carryout pizza if anything happens to it after you leave, and before you eat it.

Is there such a high prevalence of pizza accidents that insurance is required?

What about if anything happens to me after I eat a Domino’s pizza? I will get diarrhea from Domino’s. That’s a fact, and that’s where I need insurance. I get the diarrhea then I bring the pizza box back along with photographic evidence of said diarrhea and Domino’s gives me money back.

I know this topic is gross, but people’s asses are on the line goddammit.

Back when I was a young, broke college student, I frequently had Domino’s. I would eat my pizza on the toilet just to save time. I’d have been footloose and fancy-free after scarfing down Domino’s if I was insured. I’d go out and soil myself, sure, but I’d be comforted by the knowledge that I’d get my dough (HA!) back. I probably would have sued the pants off them for pants damages too.

I’d like to see this pizza insurance covered by Obama Care. You may not want to spend money on pizza insurance, but you’re required by law to get it. Every member of your household could suffer from gut-wrenching diarrhea thanks to Domino’s, and it’s better to be safe than sorry. God forbid your pizza gives you dysentery and sidelines you from work. We need to protect our citizens.

The only other pizza that has ruined my insides as much as Domino’s is Pizza Hut. It should be called Pizza Slut because it’s a diseased, promiscuous concubine who you only visit for a fling. Pizza Hut is the one night stand of pizza places. Everybody sluts around at one point in their life. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But let’s be honest, you’re not bringing Pizza Hut home to your mom.

“The Hut” is alluring because of its seemingly impossible feats. How do they stuff so much cheese and pepperoni into their pizza butt? One moment you’re sloppily making out with a soft, bulbous crust filled with melted goo and the next you’re explaining a blistering lip rash to your doctor.

And why the hell would I go all the way back to Domino’s to file an insurance claim for my broken pizza? “Um, I feel down the steps with my pizza so can I get a new one?” I’d just make a sandwich or something. Domino’s delivers. Drive my pizza to me. Something happens to it on the way then you replace it Domino’s. You were one of the founders of pizza delivery, Domino’s. Obey your roots man.

Domino’s should offer pizza assurance. Assure me I won’t be spraying my toilet with my ass for the next 24 hours after I eat your pizza, then maybe I’ll try it again. MAYBE.

Until then Domino’s, your pizza insurance bullshit ain’t worth shit.

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